printers hate me. i know this to be true. the evidence is three fold.
example one (aka the phantom):
my first printer. oh how excited i was! i had just moved into naismith hall and my starry freshman eyes sparkled with delight gazing at all my new toys. my very own dorm room! glorious sigh, “i have a tiny window! and a tiny bed! a tiny computer! my very own tiny, sparkley beer bong! i’m so cool!” i was still basking in the glory of my new independence as i drifted into my first night of solitary slumber (and by solitary, i obviously mean besides my new roommate, two suitemates, the entire second floor, and the drunk kids running around upstairs). much to my sleepy dismay, i was rudely awakened by my new printer. that’s right, before classes have started and any school work has been done (or printed) my phantom printer begins spitting out random pages of squares, symbols, and all around jibberish. the look on my roommates startled face shamed me into the realization that 4am was not an appropriate time to be printing.
the phantom continued to wake us up once or twice a week until i finally gave in and unplugged it. at the time it seemed like a small annoyance. unplugging appliances when they’re not in use is an energy saver anyway, right? go green? it wasn’t until i recognized the phantom as part of a pattern that it’s true intentions were realized. that printer was taunting me.
in may i left the phantom in the naismith parking lot to be scavenged by the locals and haskel students. we parted in slience. a personal tribute to my previous hopes for our relationship. in the fall i was going to be moving in to the sorority house - the land of borrowing. thirty-eight other girls with closets, shoes, and you guessed it - printers.
example two (aka the foot rest):
after two years of clothes stealing, printer mooching, and slumber parties i moved out of the brothel - um, i mean sorority house - and into the luxurious hawker apartment complex. it was classy - exposed cement, crooked parking lines, surrounding the very centralized and very beautiful dumpster area. but best of all, this was the first time since the dorms that i really felt like i was going to have my own space. this also meant i had to do a little shopping. no longer was i going to have access to all my sorority sisters belongings (i’d have to - gasp! - walk outside. aaaand go next door.... hey, it gets pretty cold in the winter...). i needed a good pair of black heels, a purse or two, and - being the wonderful student i was - a printer. i mean, how was i supposed to print my tediously long english papers or the pretty colorful pictures for my school of ed posters? what - you expect me to frequent the library? please. i needed a printer.
this time i wanted to make sure i got a reliable device. i went all out. within a week of moving in to my third floor penthouse i was the proud owner of a 3-in-1 copier-scanner-printer. if that wasn’t high-quality, fancy-schmancy then i didn’t know what was. there was only one problem. i had no where to put this mega machine. it was too big. i tried to put it on my desk - now where should my computer live? i tried to find a spot for it on my book shelf - but, like pamela anderson, it was too top heavy and kept falling over. i even tried to make room for it in my closet. this seemed to be the best spot. inconspicuous, out of the way, it was perfect. that was until i realized that there wasn’t an outlet in my closet. who designed this place?! no outlet in the closet? what if my ugg’s need a night light? how about if my marc jacobs clutch needs to barrow a blow drier? what then?! i quickly realized that the only place my printer could sit, out of the way, was on the floor under my desk. fine. not my ideal placement, but it did serve as a nice paper-writing-footrest. and it worked.
that’s right, for the first time in my college career i had a printer that worked. we copied, scanned, and printed with gleeful enthusiasm. this was the best technological relationship i’d had in a while - reliable, committed, and cute as a button. this was it, i was in love! then, just as we were entering the comfort zone (also known as first semester finals), my world came crashing down around me. i was finishing up a research paper on 300 different ways to outline a lesson plan when it happened. my printer. stopped. working. it didn’t call, it didn’t write, it gave no warning and simply quit on me. and after only a few short months. i was heartbroken.
i lived in the penthouse through my first year of grad school and the 3-in-1 never worked again. i never thought to get rid of it. it just sat under my desk serving as a, sometimes annoying, footrest. occasionally i would plug it back in to see if, possibly, we could reconcile. it never printed again.
when i left lawrence in the summer of ’09 my bother came over while i was packing to see what he could convince me to leave behind. turns out, he was in the market for a printer himself. he wanted to know if he could please take mine as i couldn’t possibly need one anymore because i was moving back home. he then gave me a condescendingly judgmental smile that said, you’re-a-college-graduate-and-you’re-going-to-be-living-at-home [eyebrow lift]? i thought about it for a second and then told him that he was right, he probably had more use for the printer. he let out a victorious laugh, unplugged my foot rest, and lugged it down three flights of stairs and into the back of his car.
thanks for taking care of that, bro! carrying that down the stairs could have totally hurt my back, it was super heavy. how’s that fancy printer working out for you, anyway?
example three (aka FML is this really happening again?):
i recently bought a macbook. i know, i know. i’ve become a cliche. i could go on and on about being sucked in to advertising schemes, conforming to the majority of my generation, and over-priced, unnecessary gadgets. but instead i will say this; my macbook rocks. it’s wonderful and does cool stuff (probably...) and it’s pretty and i like to cuddle with it at night. i’ll admit it - i’m a total convert. hi, my name is jenn and i’m a mac-aholic [hiiiii jenn].
one of the great aspects of purchasing my new silver bundle of joy, was that it came with a brand new printer. this one was definitely high quality. i mean, it came from the mac store - it has to be the best! right? isn’t that what has been pounded into my brain over the last decade? now in the defense of my new favorite name-brand, the printer is not a mac product. but they definitely should get behind the devices they sell, and if the mac company is supportive of this printer then i may have to rethink my brainwashed loyalty. because this printer. sucks. my will. to live.
my mac-endorsed, supposed-to-be-better-than-their-competitors printer has failed me. just like all of the rest. i think the part that hurts the most, you know besides realizing that all the printers in the universe are out to get me, was the false hope i had from the godfather of technology.
this printer works sometimes. but other times it will print half my document and then spit out the paper unfinished. seriously, little printer, why would i want half a picture of cory monteith? i need the whole image! it’s obviously very important that i have working access to a printer, as i am dealing with urgent matters.
the more i consider the curse, the angrier i become. even now, as i glance disapprovingly across the room at the condescending blue glow of the power light on ‘the little printer that couldn’t,’ my aggression grows. why me, printers of the world? what have i ever done to you?
certain late night crime shows have taught me the villainous importance of befriending an evil enemy. so, i will work with the printer i have now. i’ll speak gently to it, keep it in fresh ink and stocked with paper, and sing it lullabies at night. i will do this until i have gained it’s trust, only then will i overcome the printer. it will submit to my will, never have a paper jam, and print beautifully complete documents from then on. until then, i wait and befriend.
soon the time will come to break the curse of the printers. until then, i’ll keep my friends close - but my printer closer.
No comments:
Post a Comment